


i'm fearless now (but it cost my soul)

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 08:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2303888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are the pride and joy of HYDRA. There is nothing about you that is weak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm fearless now (but it cost my soul)

**Author's Note:**

> title from The Hoosiers' 'Killer'

“I’m not going to fight you,” Captain America says. “You’re my friend,” your enemy says, and this makes your assignment all the easier. People are weak. Emotions are weak.

You are the pride and joy of HYDRA. There is nothing about you that is weak. You know this. You are the tool. The tool must always be efficient.

“You’re my mission,” you say, and you lunge and attack and you are pleased at the strength in this opponent. Of course you are. You are a weapon but that does not mean that you cannot enjoy a challenge. You do what you must. You do what you must, but it thrills you to beat down someone worthy of someone with your training.

 

.

 

You are loyal. You serve. You do what you must.

 

.

 

The shield falls over the edge and he has nothing but his fists. Nothing to hide behind, to lean on. There is only you and the mission. There is only the mission.

Captain America is a good fighter.

You are better.

 

.

 

“You are my mission,” you say, as you lunge and attack and get him on the ground, beneath you. He looks at you, and if you were anyone else he would be fighting. If you were anyone else he would still be standing. But you are the Winter Soldier. You are not anybody else. And Captain America lies trapped beneath you, not docile, because these heroic figures are never docile, not even when they lie like prey beneath the predator. You are the fox, come to rip the rabbit’s throat out.

And the rabbit looks up at you, face bruised and bloody and says, “Finish it,” reaches up to your arm and this is his weakness, this is what turns your stomach.

You will never be like this.

 

.

 

You do not think about your conditioning. You do not think about Pierce, and sensory deprivation chambers, and screaming, and the pain, the searing pain, do not think about it, you do not think about it.

You are not weak. It has all been stripped away.

 

.

 

“Finish it,” he says, and this is your mission.

“I’m with you to the end of the line,” he says.

You know those words. You have heard them before. 

Where have you heard them before? 

 

.

 

He doesn’t struggle so there is no point in beating him further. There is no point in getting the blood in the grooves of your hand. It is always difficult to clean. You hold him down, cool metal against the warm flesh of his neck, and you press down harder, and harder. You watch him. “You’re my friend,” he has said, but if you were his friend, if you had ever been his friend, you would feel something. You wouldn’t be able to watch as he struggled for breath, as instincts kick in and try to get you off him.

You feel nothing. 

 

.

 

The last thing Steve Rogers sees is you. The last thing Steve Rogers feels is your arm, pressed against his throat.

 

.

 

The body falls slower than you thought it would. The blue of his costume blurs against the grey of the smoke, but you can’t look away.

 

Captain America called you Bucky.

 

(Why did he call you that? Why did he --

 

it does not matter.)

 

You have done your job. Your mission is over.

 

(“I’m with you to the end of the line,” he said.)

 

The mission is over. You know what happens now. You return to HYDRA. You give your report. You go back in the chamber. This is what happens. This is what always happens. You will do this again, when you are needed. And you are needed. HYDRA needs you. 

HYDRA needs you.

 

.

 

You do not return to HYDRA.

 

.

 

“I’m with you to the end of the line,” he said.

 

“You’re my friend,” he said.

 

You long for your past assignments. Nothing about this makes sense. You think you should have returned. You think you should stay away.

Nothing about this makes sense.

 

.

 

You are walking and you are falling.

You hear wind whistling past you, feel the sting of it, feel the chill of it.

You hear someone shouting for you.

 

.

 

You hear someone shouting “Bucky.” You are not Bucky.

You are the Winter Soldier.

You are the Winter Soldier.

 

.

 

The exhibit is a memorial now. Captain America’s uniform is still missing from the mannequin.

There is information on James Buchanan Barnes.

There is a picture of you.

They play footage of Captain America and James Barnes.

He smiles like you.

 

.

 

You are the Winter Soldier.

 

.

 

There is a photograph of you.

 

.

 

and you’re falling falling falling and you’re scared and steve is shouting for you and there’s nothing you can do and you’re in a back alley with a scrawny kid trying to keep him alive trying to stop him from getting into fights and you’re in the war and you’re strapped to a table and it hurts hurts hurts and you’re a kid and there’s a boy being picked on and you have to step in and his name is steve and you say your name is -- 

 

.

 

You are the Winter Soldier.

You are Bucky Barnes. 

You killed Captain America. 

You killed your best friend. 

 

.

 

You remember Steve Rogers, small and fragile and angry, and you remember pushing couch cushions together as children and spending the night together. You remember stepping in when he got in a fight that he couldn’t handle. You remember his laughter and his independence and the way he looked at you when you tried to help him like he didn’t need your help (like he did but didn’t want to ask) and the fierce need he had to fight and you remember lazy summer days before the war when you would sit together and talk and talk and -- 

You remember a lot of things. 

You remember killing Steve Rogers. 

You remember feeling nothing.

 

.


End file.
